In what is undoubtedly the most tremendous, beautiful, and bigly intergalactic plot twist in American political history, the 47th President of the United States took to the podium this week to drop a bombshell: Jeffrey Epstein wasn’t a shadowy financier at all. He was, in fact, a 400-year-old extraterrestrial from the Andromeda galaxy, and the Clintons have been hiding his spaceship this whole time.
“Many people are saying it, folks,” the President announced to a visibly bewildered White House press corps. “I looked at the files. Beautiful files. And I said, ‘Wow, this guy isn’t from Florida.’ He’s from way out there. Past Mars. Terrible real estate out there, by the way. No golf courses.”
Here is a breakdown of the most out-of-this-world claims from the latest Oval Office address.
The Area 51 Connection: “He Had Tentacles, Frankly”
According to the President’s totally watertight and not-at-all-made-up sources, Epstein’s infamous private island wasn’t a getaway—it was a designated UFO refueling station.
“Nobody knew how to park a flying saucer like Hillary,” Trump explained, gesturing wildly. “She deleted 33,000 emails. You know what those emails were? Hyperdrive coordinates. True story. They were hiding his tentacles. He had tremendous tentacles. Everyone said so.”
The President claimed that the deep state, in coordination with the Men in Black and a very confused Bill Clinton, orchestrated a massive cover-up to integrate the alien into New York high society.
How the Clintons Managed the Intergalactic Cover-Up
If you’re wondering how an extraterrestrial managed to blend in at high-society galas, the administration has an answer for that too.
- Holographic Technology: “They used lasers, folks. The Democrats have the best holograms. They made him look human, but I always knew. I shook his hand once in 1998, and it felt like cold space jelly. I said, ‘Something’s wrong with this guy’s handshake.'”
- The Pantsuit Anomaly: The administration is now demanding an immediate congressional inquiry into whether Hillary Clinton’s iconic pantsuits are actually made of Kevlar-reinforced asteroid materials designed to deflect alien radiation.
- The “Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself” Theory Update: “He didn’t die,” the President assured the nation. “He just beamed up. Beamed right back to his home planet because the fake news media was treating him very unfairly. Very sad!”
Space Lasers, Saucers, and the Next Four Years
Political analysts are already scrambling to figure out how this revelation impacts the current term. Polling shows that 42% of voters are “strongly concerned” about intergalactic real estate zoning, while the other 58% are just wondering if the aliens brought any solutions for inflation.
“We’re going to build a dome,” Trump concluded, adjusting his microphone. “A beautiful, invisible space dome over the atmosphere. And Andromeda is going to pay for it.”
